Finding Former Flings
Posted on July 25, 2008
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Gents, still searching for that sensual sinkhole of sexual satisfaction that took you to the moon, then ditched ya? She’s probably canoodling with Venusians or manhandling Martians while you’re stuck on Luna kicking rocks and humping craters. Don’t bother waiting around for her; the bird has flown the coop and she’s not comin’ back.
Ladies, did that studly Samson who made you his Delilah gallop off to green pastures? Don’t take it personal. He’s a bucking bronco that can’t be tamed; a stampeding stallion that makes women salivate; a savage centaur wielding a deliciously spicy salami. He’s got options, baby, and you’re one of many.
Don’t turn into Salome and start settling for screwing the undead - instead, get sneaky and start snooping around for signs of your former fling. They might not go looking for you, but you can surely take the reins of the situation and make yourself attractive and attainable.
First, consider your priorities. One night flings flame out not because the fuel fails, but because fellas and fawns fear anything beyond friends with benefits. Most importantly of all, they assume you want love, happiness, and a lasting relationship. Conventional wisdom considers the casual single night stand to be one-sided and lop-sided, with winners and whiners. That scrumptious stud muffin of super-stamina assumes after a night with him you’re thinkin’ tots, tiaras, diapers and diamonds - and he runs. Likewise, the tantalizing temptress with the tasty tail who tramped off while you snoozed did so to avoid the nascent nastiness of a now-sober nincompoop unable to deal with a sexually liberated woman - after all, it’s the way it’s gone down for her every other time.
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Finding Marriage Records
Posted on July 18, 2008
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Before you walk down the aisle with any Tom, Dick or Harriet, it’s probably a good idea - no, a great idea - to make sure they’re not married, or even very recently divorced. As you may or may not know, chronic divorcees comprise a significant portion of the marrying population. That stunning blonde you’ve been dating and thinking about proposing to? She probably just got out of her third marriage in as many years. Or what about that muscular male secretary you’ve been eyeing from your cubicle? Chances are, that guy managed to weasel his way out of a pre-nup with a sugar mama, and now he’s reaping the benefits and leaving her high and dry all by herself. Do you really want to be his next victim?
I didn’t think so.
More and more these days, guys and gals who seem to fit the bill as perfect marriage material are turning out to be sneaky succubae and suave smooth talkin’ charmers who’ll tell you what you want to say, right up until the priest says “I now pronounce you…” and then… poof! They’re gone, along with your heart, your trust, and your money. Marriage fraud is a booming business for these beautiful bombshells and buff boy toys preying upon the lonesome doves just looking for love. These people are bonafied professionals: first, they pluck your heartstrings like a master violinist to get you singing your heart out; then, they play you like a fiddle till you’re putty in their hands; and finally, they twist hard with needle nosed pliers and snap the darn things. The brain may not have nerve endings, but believe me - the heart is chock full of sensitive sensors, so watch out!
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Finding Your Soulmate
Posted on July 9, 2008
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Everybody has a soulmate… right?
At least that’s what we’re told from the day we can process information. If it’s not our parents telling us, it’s society, or commercials, movies, and media filling our heads with the nonsense. Even childhood fairy tales prepare us for a life of constant striving for Mr. or Mrs. Right. That whole knight in shining armor thing that so many people nowadays truly believe in comes from silly bedtime stories meant to keep kids in line. Too many people simply assume that no work is required for true love; fate and destiny will handle everything for you.
Well, if the sight of lonely old spinsters trudging down grocery store aisles pushing shopping carts brimming with discount cat food cans isn’t proof enough that a dirty trick has been played on all of us, perhaps your own futile search for a soulmate ending in despair’ll do it. Seriously, folks: you know by now that the good guys don’t always win, that Robin Williams is completely unfunny and sad, and that all other cinema tropes have no basis in reality. Feel free to sit around, reading dime store romance novels and watching your “stories” every afternoon, while the rest of us get outside and look for love. Ladies, the dashing Count Fernando Montecruz will not, I regret to inform you, be visiting anytime soon to ask for your hand in marriage, and Men, you will most likely not be seduced into marriage by the hotheaded young Brazilian model in the near future.
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