Finding Former Flings
Posted on July 25, 2008
Filed Under Finding Romance |
Gents, still searching for that sensual sinkhole of sexual satisfaction that took you to the moon, then ditched ya? She’s probably canoodling with Venusians or manhandling Martians while you’re stuck on Luna kicking rocks and humping craters. Don’t bother waiting around for her; the bird has flown the coop and she’s not comin’ back.
Ladies, did that studly Samson who made you his Delilah gallop off to green pastures? Don’t take it personal. He’s a bucking bronco that can’t be tamed; a stampeding stallion that makes women salivate; a savage centaur wielding a deliciously spicy salami. He’s got options, baby, and you’re one of many.
Don’t turn into Salome and start settling for screwing the undead - instead, get sneaky and start snooping around for signs of your former fling. They might not go looking for you, but you can surely take the reins of the situation and make yourself attractive and attainable.
First, consider your priorities. One night flings flame out not because the fuel fails, but because fellas and fawns fear anything beyond friends with benefits. Most importantly of all, they assume you want love, happiness, and a lasting relationship. Conventional wisdom considers the casual single night stand to be one-sided and lop-sided, with winners and whiners. That scrumptious stud muffin of super-stamina assumes after a night with him you’re thinkin’ tots, tiaras, diapers and diamonds - and he runs. Likewise, the tantalizing temptress with the tasty tail who tramped off while you snoozed did so to avoid the nascent nastiness of a now-sober nincompoop unable to deal with a sexually liberated woman - after all, it’s the way it’s gone down for her every other time.
You may not be the type of babe looking for post-coital bacon and backrubs, but how’s he supposed to know that when he’s slipping on his jeans and silently scooting out the door? Years of sitcom spinsters lamenting the dirtbags who love ‘em then leave ‘em the morning after makes for pervasive persuasions that are tough to shake for even the most enlightened Lothario.
You can try to broach the subject before bed, but frank discussions before the deal is sealed might stunt your growth prematurely - if you know what I mean. Dinner, drinks and an in-depth discussion of erotic expectations: not the most realistic recipe for a date ending with a bang. The best bang for your buck’ll happen on the fly. Talking about it after the tail is no good, either, if he or she takes off before toast. So if you can’t talk about it before, and you can’t talk about it after, what’s a casually sexual opportunist to do? How are you supposed to fan the flames without a hearth and bellows?
Secure the surname and scribble it in the cell phone. Send it to yourself so all the spirits you’re sucking down don’t steal your memory. In the morning, log into Public Records Now and run a people search using the name. Scan the search results for your flame - if you can’t remember their first name, you’re hopeless - and get their address and phone number. Now you’ve got the info you need to get the party goin’!
Call ‘em up, and let the good times roll! Aren’t these modern times wonderful?
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